Important Safety Information

We have heard again from our dear friend Phil Stevenson who never quits his bitching points out some terribly important safety concerns:

"My research was recently disrupted by a rather unfortunate accident. This has had the effect of disrupting my correspondence with your blog, but has also given me an important new life mission: to educate fellow enthusiasts about the potential hazards of jogging with knives. Would you kindly share with your readers some advice on how this activity could be enjoyed more safely?
- Phil Stevenson"

Yes, Phil, of course.


Here is some Important information


(dick)

OMG WTF!!!!!!11

Someone get this robot a knife, please!

Enough robot abuse!



They've actually built a pushing robot, to try to tumble this poor chap. He's only learning to walk, man!

We are working with several groups to try to get this robot a knife, so he can run away from bully robots like these. Godspeed, gentle metal friend! GODSPEED!

Frank Poole

So, while I was trying to find a video of Frank Poole jogging in space, I came across this. It'll do, for now.

WOOHOO FREESTYLE POST

WOOOOOO FrEeStYlE post......()()()()()(#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&÷÷÷÷÷÷÷¿¿¿¿¿¿¿WHAT? WHAT? Blargofone.

Jogging...Illegal???

Our colleague and dear friend Phil Stevenson writes in:

"What if jogging were illegal? This has been the subject of my latest research, and I would love your professional input. Thanks!" -Phil Stevenson

Listen Phil, STFU. Seriously. You are doing this < < < < < < when you should be doing this -.

Wow, that's a really good idea!

Mixing beer and milk is almost as intelligent as running with sharp objects!

We Will All Eventually be Replaced by Machines

Robots do everything we can do, only better.


Almost. The robo-jogging technology is progressing nicely, as you can see here:



Robots have also been cutting things for years:


thanks to This Guy for the 3D Roberto.

However mixing the two has lead to tragedy:


There is still much work to be done.

WTF?? STFU.

Blogger Josh Wolf has officially become the longest-jailed jogger...er, reporter in the history of the US.

Read his story and blog, it's quite fascinating...he was basically singled out as a threat and a case involving vandalism was brought against him.

Here's more on this story.

We at knifejog agree that, while his views and actions are questionable to an extent, old Uncle Sam can't lock you up and not tell you why. One day we may have to jog with no knives, for jog's sake.

Slate can read my mind.

We all have dreams. Dreams we don't always tell anyone about.


I've been thinking about a dream of mine ever since that True Love post from the other day.


So in the physical act of lovage, gravity seems to be an enemy, often pinning a valuable arm between your lumpy body and your lumpy mattress, and there's always the risk of sliding off the mattress and thumping your skull on the pile of jogging shoes under the bed.


Obvious solution? SEX IN SPACE! No gravity = no problem, right?


Thankyou, Slate for investigating.

Jogativity

Our good friend Phil Stevenson writes in:

"If, while jogging, a knife is thrown in the runner's direction, does the speed of the knife remain constant?" -Phil Stevenson

YES. Einstein's theory states that nothing can move faster than knives, ever. EVER.

If you're just gonna keep asking 5t00p1d questions, go somewhere where they are expected.

All joggers aspire to one thing...

Love is.....

Pepperspray and diapers.

To summarize, a lady astronaut (I'm not naming names) had a thing for another astronaut. When she found out about another lady in the picture she drove some 800-900 miles, wearing a diaper so she wouldn't have to stop, to confront her.

(If she had jogged, that wouldn't have been necessary, joggers can pee anywhere)

She then (oops I almost forgot) allegedly followed the woman to a parking lot, wearing a wig and a trenchcoat and weilding a BB gun and some pepperspray. The other woman was suspicious and hid in her car, but was tricked into lowering the window at which point she got a facefull of badness.

yowsa.
I'm not all that into crazy, but if a girl maced someone for me, I'd be smitten.

Imagine how many knives this would buy...

Nukyular Chief Extraordinaire Dubya has revealed plans to build a half-billion dollar library at a Dallas University, much to the dismay of joggers who feel this money could be put to better use in the purchase of fresh knives. We at knifejog agree.

There are a lot of taxpayers who would rather have increased speed than restricted access to the classified stickman drawings of our fair leader.

These guys had the right idea...

Extra points if you know them personally.

Kittens don't jog, man!

I got some recent fan mail from a reader trying to connect cutlery with kittens.

"Hey man, love your blog! Being somewhat of an expert on jogging myself, I have recently noticed a pretty evident connection between kittens and knives. How could you overlook this? Other than that, keep up the good work! -Phil Stevenson"

I just have one observation for you...KITTENS DON'T JOG, FOOL.

Now, quit wasting my time.

Ancient Rome and Jogging

It has come to my attention that my associate has failed to mention Ancient Rome in his recent discussion on jogging.

As we all know, Ancient Romans had knives, but they didn't have the number '0'. In my many minutes of research, I have also failed to find any reference to Ancient Romans jogging...marching, sure...but not jogging. It thus follows that jogging depends on a civilization having discovered the number '0'.

Had the Ancient Romans discovered '0', they would have had discovered jogging as well, and everyone would still be speaking Latin today.

Things that make you want to run with knives.

It is a well known fact that people occasionally go for jogs.

Knives were probably invented around the same time as jogging.



If you are like me (us), things you see and hear make you want to run away,

and stab things.

May I (we) suggest instead, jogging with knives?

Everyone runs faster with knives.