Important Safety Information

We have heard again from our dear friend Phil Stevenson who never quits his bitching points out some terribly important safety concerns:

"My research was recently disrupted by a rather unfortunate accident. This has had the effect of disrupting my correspondence with your blog, but has also given me an important new life mission: to educate fellow enthusiasts about the potential hazards of jogging with knives. Would you kindly share with your readers some advice on how this activity could be enjoyed more safely?
- Phil Stevenson"

Yes, Phil, of course.


Here is some Important information


(dick)

Someone get this robot a knife, please!

Enough robot abuse!



They've actually built a pushing robot, to try to tumble this poor chap. He's only learning to walk, man!

We are working with several groups to try to get this robot a knife, so he can run away from bully robots like these. Godspeed, gentle metal friend! GODSPEED!

We Will All Eventually be Replaced by Machines

Robots do everything we can do, only better.


Almost. The robo-jogging technology is progressing nicely, as you can see here:



Robots have also been cutting things for years:


thanks to This Guy for the 3D Roberto.

However mixing the two has lead to tragedy:


There is still much work to be done.

Knifin' Around

Space Ghost is the bestest.


Seriously, the bestest.



He gets it.

Jogativity

Our good friend Phil Stevenson writes in:

"If, while jogging, a knife is thrown in the runner's direction, does the speed of the knife remain constant?" -Phil Stevenson

YES. Einstein's theory states that nothing can move faster than knives, ever. EVER.

If you're just gonna keep asking 5t00p1d questions, go somewhere where they are expected.

Good Job, Jobs

So I haven't bothered to keep up with the latest and greatest in iPods. I keep accidentally slicing through the headphone cord when I'm jogging along at a good clip.


But man can't help but hear the news. The Nordic nasties from Norway are threatening legal action against Apple because they deem the iStore to be an unfair business practice.


So Jobs responded in a shockingly personal way, and makes some good points. Why are they picking on the iStore? Microsoft had an 'open model' DRM system like the consumer vikings are asking for, but they gave up on it and switched to a hardware specific store for the Zune. If anyone over there is suing them, I'm not hearing about it.


Of course Apple would be down with not using DRM. The iPod's bread and butter is file sharing: ripping your CD library, copying the vinyl collection your uncle finally bothered to digitize, and forcing your friends to listen to your Sepultura albums from highschool. The iStore is like frosting on the workhorse. It's a middle man that brings you the Kanye West album at 4 in the morning when you're drunk and you think you need it, and if the record labels would comply, they'd let you do it no-strings-attached.


So now the legal lords of Lillehammer are saying that the iStore is unfairly locking a consumer into using an iPod, and that Jobs is copping out by blaming the record industry. My knife and I strongly disagree. Firstly, they have it backwards. If anything, buying an iPod would lock you into the iStore, not the other way around. My knife is also pretty sure they are getting iTunes and the iTunes music store confused.


But regardless, I'm sure they'll work it out. The record companies seem like reasonable people.

All joggers aspire to one thing...

Animal Jogging

As previously discussed, kittens can't jog.

I propose that in lieu of jogging, cats prance.




I know, I know, people prance too, and so do ponies, and I suppose a kitten could prance with a knife, but to jog with a knife you really have to have thumbs.


Now Koala bears have 2 thumbs, but don't get me started about that.

Imagine how many knives this would buy...

Nukyular Chief Extraordinaire Dubya has revealed plans to build a half-billion dollar library at a Dallas University, much to the dismay of joggers who feel this money could be put to better use in the purchase of fresh knives. We at knifejog agree.

There are a lot of taxpayers who would rather have increased speed than restricted access to the classified stickman drawings of our fair leader.

Important Safety Information

It is not a good idea to run with guns.


seriously,


Even if it's a knifegun.

These guys had the right idea...

Extra points if you know them personally.

Kittens don't jog, man!

I got some recent fan mail from a reader trying to connect cutlery with kittens.

"Hey man, love your blog! Being somewhat of an expert on jogging myself, I have recently noticed a pretty evident connection between kittens and knives. How could you overlook this? Other than that, keep up the good work! -Phil Stevenson"

I just have one observation for you...KITTENS DON'T JOG, FOOL.

Now, quit wasting my time.

Things that make you want to run with knives.

It is a well known fact that people occasionally go for jogs.

Knives were probably invented around the same time as jogging.



If you are like me (us), things you see and hear make you want to run away,

and stab things.

May I (we) suggest instead, jogging with knives?

Everyone runs faster with knives.