Thursday, November 1, 2007

It's Only Simulated Drowning

I'm angry,

angry and tired.

I'm tired of the news and hearing my government talk at me like I'm an idiot. I understand what 'spin' is, there is a fundamental human need to cover one's ass, but can't you think of an argument that's a little less insulting?

Today the president invited members of the press into the Oval Office to essentially bad mouth the senate for being reluctant to approve the nomination of Mukasey for Attorney General. The senate, he says, must have “lost sight of the fact that we’re at war.”

So what is the hold up then? What is this petty issue being debated that must not have anything to do with the war?

Torture. It's about torture. We all know there's a war going on, which is EXACTLY why we want the man in charge of the law to be someone who's not going to authorize torture. If there wasn't a war going on, we probably wouldn't have as many people out there being repeatedly almost drowned until they confess to something.

Here's what that sounds like to me: "You must have lost sight of the fact that I'm doing all sorts of fucked up shit that should be illegal."

Bush says: "It doesn’t make any sense to tell the enemy whether we use those techniques or not"

I hear: "You bet we're doing it, and it's worse than you think!"

Bush says: [it] “is important, and the techniques used are within the law, and members of the intelligence committee know what I’m talking about.”

I hear: "You know we're doing it, and I say it's legal, don't fuck with me."

Bush says: “People who say we are not at war are either disingenuous or na├»ve,”

I hear: "Why do you hate America? cut off his mic."

or if you'd prefer,

"Look over there! It's something ridiculous we weren't even talking about!"

Maybe he has a point, it was the Democrats in the Senate who put up that ridiculous "Mission Accomplished" banner right? wait, what? oh, right.

At least Mukasey himself isn't making idiotic accusations at his adversaries; he puts it fairly directly: (as paraphrased by Carl Hulse and Steven Lee Myers at the NYT) [He would not call waterboarding illegal] "to avoid any implication that intelligence officers and their bosses had broken the law."

I don't think I need to 'translate' that do I?

Well, why not...
"Although I find waterboarding morally repugnant, I cannot call it illegal because we're doing it all the time, all over the fucking place."

That's why we need you to call it illegal. This has to stop, that is the job you are applying for: upholding the law. Except, you know, like for real this time.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

You Are Destroying America

I'm talking to you, AM New York.

I pick up your paper most weekday mornings on my way to work. I do so for 3 reasons.

  • To have something to read in the bathroom

  • The "hawker" guy is friendly and recognizes me

  • I assume the paper will be verbatim whatever is on the news wire, free from any particular agenda

Now I'll totally admit that I have some bias and agenda, but dang, AM New York, today you went too far.

I don't know if you've been watching, but CNN accused Micheal Moore of 'fact fudging' in his film "Sicko" and Moore called them out on it.

CNN, being slightly less evil than Fox News, acknowledged the need for more discussion and had the filmmaker on the Larry King show. Larry somehow seemed to be really surprised that Moore was upset that Dr. Gupta had called him a liar repeatedly on national television. Seriously? Well at least he didn't boot Moore of the show to interview Paris, again.

But how did you cover this story AM New York? Did you provide sources of data that readers could compare? Did you mention the severity of demanding an apology from one of the most powerful news sources in the world? Did you consider the implications if CNN were to be accused of libel? Did you further the debate on healthcare, an issue that will ultimately effect every single citizen of the country?

No. What you did was frame it as a 'media feud' on the celebrity gossip page and mocked him for asking for an apology. Like this was on par with Donald Trump calling Rosie fat. You even gave Victoria Beckham twice as much page space to hype her reality tv show.

Boo on you, AM New York, and by extention the Tribune Company who publishes you. You are destroying America and I hate you.

Friday, June 29, 2007

DYI Post

There is the intimidation of the blank page,

the incapacitating anxiety, the huge potential for embarrassment,

Some things are just impossible to do BECAUSE THEY ARE SO EASY!!

I need your help, dear reader, to make fun of this.

image from

The FDA has recalled "Veggie Booty" due to reported cases of salmonella contamination.

I'll give you a few hints to start with:
  • toddlers

  • explosive diarrhea

  • the name 'booty'

you take it from there,

to the comments!


I am going to be in Vegas next week.

I plan to play some blackjack, so I'm practicing, nintendo style.

"Vegas Dream" is playable through virtual nes (dot) com.

But be careful, if the guy in the suit says someone is there to meet you,


They'll push you down the stairs.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Blockbuster Hit of Next Summer!

It's the summer movie season!

The Adolescents who ultimately control our culture have gotten out of school and are eager abuse their money spending powers. Oh, what will they pay to go see?

Evan Almighty is hoping for just a few a hell of a lot of those dollars, breaking the new ground of being the most expensive comedy ever.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they should have spent that money on something crazy like universal health insurance (Steve Carell is the bestest). I'm just a little suprised at this casual, shallow, comedy god-iness in this era of religious extremism, terrorism, war, and painful politicking.

That Jesus movie did pretty well for itself, but that shit was serious b. serious.

Then I saw this picture:

on and sparks went off in my brain.

God + comedy = risky bidness

God + violence = $$$$

God + violence + monsters = box office GOLD.

So I propose to you, movie makers, the blockbuster hit of next summer,

Jurassic Ark!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

"These pipes are not designed to carry bras and knickers."

- Northumbrian Water spokeswoman

Clearly one of the better quotes to jump out of the morning news.

Somewhereabouts in England, some lady underthings that had been flushed down the 'loo (you know, in the WC) managed to block up a sewage pipe and even cause a road to collapse.


But why would anyone be flushing their bras and knickers? 'Tis a mystery, but I have to imagine it was something shameful and embarrassing, right? Then the whole street caves in and geeky yanks like me are laughing about it? Priceless!

Speculative Reporting!

My first guess was that some fickle chap was sneaking a little extra snoggin' on the side, noticed some incriminating lovage paraphernalia laying about, panics and flushes it before his missus can notice and kick him out on his arse.

Diggin deeper (I read the article!) I came across this:
"There was also a heavy build-up of grease and fat, which contributed to the situation."

Ah Ha!

Obviously, someone was building a woman made out of bacon.

Wonderful idea, betterment of society, but science is not ready.


not ready.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

They Might Be Giants and Foetus to play with musical robots!!!

Live commissioned works and performances by They Might Be Giants, JG Thirlwell, Mort Subotnick, George Lewis, R. Luke DuBois and J. Brendan Adamson will be played in this Manhattan event. Vids!

read more | digg story

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Shameless self promotion


Friday, April 6, 2007

Watch Out!

Seriously, watch out.

Deathface is coming.