"You wanna go for a jog, man?"

It's Only Simulated Drowning

2007-11-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

I'm angry,

angry and tired.

I'm tired of the news and hearing my government talk at me like I'm an idiot. I understand what 'spin' is, there is a fundamental human need to cover one's ass, but can't you think of an argument that's a little less insulting?

Today the president invited members of the press into the Oval Office to essentially bad mouth the senate for being reluctant to approve the nomination of Mukasey for Attorney General. The senate, he says, must have “lost sight of the fact that we’re at war.”

So what is the hold up then? What is this petty issue being debated that must not have anything to do with the war?

Torture. It's about torture. We all know there's a war going on, which is EXACTLY why we want the man in charge of the law to be someone who's not going to authorize torture. If there wasn't a war going on, we probably wouldn't have as many people out there being repeatedly almost drowned until they confess to something.

Here's what that sounds like to me: "You must have lost sight of the fact that I'm doing all sorts of fucked up shit that should be illegal."

Bush says: "It doesn’t make any sense to tell the enemy whether we use those techniques or not"

I hear: "You bet we're doing it, and it's worse than you think!"

Bush says: [it] “is important, and the techniques used are within the law, and members of the intelligence committee know what I’m talking about.”

I hear: "You know we're doing it, and I say it's legal, don't fuck with me."

Bush says: “People who say we are not at war are either disingenuous or naïve,”

I hear: "Why do you hate America? cut off his mic."

or if you'd prefer,

"Look over there! It's something ridiculous we weren't even talking about!"

Maybe he has a point, it was the Democrats in the Senate who put up that ridiculous "Mission Accomplished" banner right? wait, what? oh, right.

At least Mukasey himself isn't making idiotic accusations at his adversaries; he puts it fairly directly: (as paraphrased by Carl Hulse and Steven Lee Myers at the NYT) [He would not call waterboarding illegal] "to avoid any implication that intelligence officers and their bosses had broken the law."

I don't think I need to 'translate' that do I?

Well, why not...
"Although I find waterboarding morally repugnant, I cannot call it illegal because we're doing it all the time, all over the fucking place."

That's why we need you to call it illegal. This has to stop, that is the job you are applying for: upholding the law. Except, you know, like for real this time.

You Are Destroying America

2007-07-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm talking to you, AM New York.

I pick up your paper most weekday mornings on my way to work. I do so for 3 reasons.

To have something to read in the bathroom

The "hawker" guy is friendly and recognizes me

I assume the paper will be verbatim whatever is on the news wire, free from any particular agenda

Now I'll totally admit that I have some bias and agenda, but dang, AM New York, today you went too far.

I don't know if you've been watching, but CNN accused Micheal Moore of 'fact fudging' in his film "Sicko" and Moore called them out on it.

CNN, being slightly less evil than Fox News, acknowledged the need for more discussion and had the filmmaker on the Larry King show. Larry somehow seemed to be really surprised that Moore was upset that Dr. Gupta had called him a liar repeatedly on national television. Seriously? Well at least he didn't boot Moore of the show to interview Paris, again.

But how did you cover this story AM New York? Did you provide sources of data that readers could compare? Did you mention the severity of demanding an apology from one of the most powerful news sources in the world? Did you consider the implications if CNN were to be accused of libel? Did you further the debate on healthcare, an issue that will ultimately effect every single citizen of the country?

No. What you did was frame it as a 'media feud' on the celebrity gossip page and mocked him for asking for an apology. Like this was on par with Donald Trump calling Rosie fat. You even gave Victoria Beckham twice as much page space to hype her reality tv show.

Boo on you, AM New York, and by extention the Tribune Company who publishes you. You are destroying America and I hate you.

DYI Post

2007-06-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

There is the intimidation of the blank page,

the incapacitating anxiety, the huge potential for embarrassment,

Some things are just impossible to do BECAUSE THEY ARE SO EASY!!

I need your help, dear reader, to make fun of this.

image from salon.com

The FDA has recalled "Veggie Booty" due to reported cases of salmonella contamination.

I'll give you a few hints to start with:

toddlers

explosive diarrhea

the name 'booty'

you take it from there,

to the comments!

Practice!

2007-06-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

I am going to be in Vegas next week.

I plan to play some blackjack, so I'm practicing, nintendo style.

"Vegas Dream" is playable through virtual nes (dot) com.

But be careful, if the guy in the suit says someone is there to meet you,

DON'T GO!

They'll push you down the stairs.

Eenturesteeng Eenfurmayshun!1

2007-06-27T13:31:00.001-07:00

Blockbuster Hit of Next Summer!

2007-06-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

It's the summer movie season!

The Adolescents who ultimately control our culture have gotten out of school and are eager abuse their money spending powers. Oh, what will they pay to go see?

Evan Almighty is hoping for ~~just a few~~ a hell of a lot of those dollars, breaking the new ground of being the most expensive comedy ever.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they should have spent that money on something crazy like universal health insurance (Steve Carell is the bestest). I'm just a little suprised at this casual, shallow, comedy god-iness in this era of religious extremism, terrorism, war, and painful politicking.

That Jesus movie did pretty well for itself, but that shit was serious b. serious.

Then I saw this picture:

on boingboing.net and sparks went off in my brain.

God + comedy = risky bidness

God + violence = $$$$

God + violence + monsters = box office GOLD.

So I propose to you, movie makers, the blockbuster hit of next summer,

Jurassic Ark!

"These pipes are not designed to carry bras and knickers."

2007-06-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

- Northumbrian Water spokeswoman

Clearly one of the better quotes to jump out of the morning news.

Somewhereabouts in England, some lady underthings that had been flushed down the 'loo (you know, in the WC) managed to block up a sewage pipe and even cause a road to collapse.

dang.

But why would anyone be flushing their bras and knickers? 'Tis a mystery, but I have to imagine it was something shameful and embarrassing, right? Then the whole street caves in and geeky yanks like me are laughing about it? Priceless!

Speculative Reporting!

My first guess was that some fickle chap was sneaking a little extra snoggin' on the side, noticed some incriminating lovage paraphernalia laying about, panics and flushes it before his missus can notice and kick him out on his arse.

Diggin deeper (I read the article!) I came across this:

"There was also a heavy build-up of grease and fat, which contributed to the situation."

Ah Ha!

Obviously, someone was building a woman made out of bacon.

Wonderful idea, betterment of society, but science is not ready.

sigh.

not ready.

They Might Be Giants and Foetus to play with musical robots!!!

2007-05-27T01:06:00.001-07:00

Live commissioned works and performances by They Might Be Giants, JG Thirlwell, Mort Subotnick, George Lewis, R. Luke DuBois and J. Brendan Adamson will be played in this Manhattan event. Vids!

read more | digg story

Shameless self promotion

2007-04-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

WE R IN UR BASKET, DEATHING UR EGGS!!!!1!!

Watch Out!

2007-04-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

Seriously, watch out.

Deathface is coming.

Important Safety Information

2007-03-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

We have heard again from our dear friend Phil Stevenson who ~~never quits his bitching~~ points out some terribly important safety concerns:

"My research was recently disrupted by a rather unfortunate accident. This has had the effect of disrupting my correspondence with your blog, but has also given me an important new life mission: to educate fellow enthusiasts about the potential hazards of jogging with knives. Would you kindly share with your readers some advice on how this activity could be enjoyed more safely?
- Phil Stevenson"

Yes, Phil, of course.

Here is some Important information

(dick)

Oh No!

2007-03-19T08:41:00.001-07:00

OMG WTF!!!!!!11

2007-03-13T08:48:00.000-07:00

Someone get this robot a knife, please!

2007-03-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

Enough robot abuse!

They've actually built a pushing robot, to try to tumble this poor chap. He's only learning to walk, man!

We are working with several groups to try to get this robot a knife, so he can run away from bully robots like these. Godspeed, gentle metal friend! GODSPEED!

Hawt Rawks: Ralph

2007-02-27T13:29:00.000-08:00

It has been brought to Ralph's attention that he is hot and like all beautiful people are ~~contractually obligated~~ wont to do, he's putting out an album!!

We here at knifejog, are old friends, so we got to sit in on a studio session.

Here's a little taste

Frank Poole

2007-02-22T11:46:00.000-08:00

So, while I was trying to find a video of Frank Poole jogging in space, I came across this. It'll do, for now.

I sleep too little.

2007-02-22T11:37:00.001-08:00

So, thanks to a philosophical commenter, I was introduced to the concept of naked turtles.

Now I can dig some kinky stuff, but that's not my bag, baby. But I did a little research (seriously, not much at all) and found that the DO exist, albeit only in pub form.

I propose a hypothetical re-fable-ing:

Imagine the "tortise and the hare" but with nudity

and knives.

WOOHOO FREESTYLE POST

2007-02-22T11:37:00.000-08:00

WOOOOOO FrEeStYlE post......()()()()()(#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&÷÷÷÷÷÷÷¿¿¿¿¿¿¿WHAT? WHAT? Blargofone.

Jogging...Illegal???

2007-02-22T11:30:00.000-08:00

Our colleague and dear friend Phil Stevenson writes in:

"What if jogging were illegal? This has been the subject of my latest research, and I would love your professional input. Thanks!" -Phil Stevenson

Listen Phil, STFU. Seriously. You are doing this < < < < < < when you should be doing this -.

We all live in boxes.

2007-02-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

Ralph has a nice deep voice.

Ralph lives in my computer. (a box)

Ralph entertains us here at knife jog, by reading our emails, and occasionally rap lyrics. So we try to keep Ralph entertained by inserting him in any number of hypothetical situations.

Today, Ralph is adding a slimming vibration machine into his nightly bedtime ritual.

Let's listen in.

Wow, that's a really good idea!

2007-02-15T07:58:00.000-08:00

Mixing beer and milk is almost as intelligent as running with sharp objects!

Secret Genius

2007-02-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

I was considering my earlier post about someone I assumed was a "shy pooper" and it hit me. Maybe this wasn't some insecure weirdo who has a terribly traumatic experience at least (hopefully) once or twice a day. Maybe he was a secret genius.. Maybe he was asleep!

Think about it, there are lots of places you can sleep at work: the storage room, the tech booth behind the auditorium, under your desk, under someone else's desk, etc. etc. The trouble is that sooner or later someone is bound to discover you with drool dried to your cheek and your face lined with the wrinkles of your shirt sleeve. Awkwardness will undoubtedly follow. However, if they walk in simply to find another set of shoes underneath the stall door it is doubtful that you're going to get called out.

Genius!

Pupils Dilated = No Jogging

2007-02-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

Having your pupils dilated pretty much means no jogging. Sadness throughout.

Everybody Poops.

2007-02-13T05:40:00.000-08:00

If we were in a prehistoric forest, being chased by a Tyrannosaurus,

it would make sense to keep still and quiet. We all saw Jurassic Park and learned that their vision is based on movement, and they probably have ears.

I could be less than 9 months old and then I wouldn't be capable of realizing that you're still there.
Or maybe if we were in a wax museum, you could stand really really still and quiet and someone might think you were one of the dummies.

But we're not. We're in the bathroom.

I know you're there, even if you don't move or make a sound until I wash my hands and leave.

Everybody poops.

Get over it.

We Will All Eventually be Replaced by Machines

2007-02-09T09:22:00.000-08:00

Robots do everything we can do, only better.

Almost. The robo-jogging technology is progressing nicely, as you can see here:

Robots have also been cutting things for years:

thanks to This Guy for the 3D Roberto.

However mixing the two has lead to tragedy:

There is still much work to be done.

UNLEASH THE MOTHERFUCKING MOONWALK.

2007-02-08T11:03:00.000-08:00

Thanks, random blog.

DISCLAIMER: We do not want to be sued by Norway for the moonwalk being too difficult for the general population.

Knifin' Around

2007-02-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

Space Ghost is the bestest.

Seriously, the bestest.

He gets it.

WTF?? STFU.

2007-02-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

Blogger Josh Wolf has officially become the longest-jailed jogger...er, reporter in the history of the US.

Read his story and blog, it's quite fascinating...he was basically singled out as a threat and a case involving vandalism was brought against him.

Here's more on this story.

We at knifejog agree that, while his views and actions are questionable to an extent, old Uncle Sam can't lock you up and not tell you why. One day we may have to jog with no knives, for jog's sake.

Psychic Slater

2007-02-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

So obvs. Screech had super powers, but is Slater psychic?

He's been seen dancing with stars and Stephen Hawking told me that the light we see from stars was emitted millions and millions of years ago. So looking at distant stars is like seeing backwards in time, so dancing with stars has gotta be kind of like being psychic..... um. Maybe that's a stretch.

We should probably just ask him.

Saved by the Bell

2007-02-08T06:40:00.000-08:00

Misreading my colleague's last post, I thought for a moment that Slater was psychic.

I sincerely apologize.

Slate can read my mind.

2007-02-08T06:05:00.000-08:00

We all have dreams. Dreams we don't always tell anyone about.

I've been thinking about a dream of mine ever since that True Love post from the other day.

So in the physical act of lovage, gravity seems to be an enemy, often pinning a valuable arm between your lumpy body and your lumpy mattress, and there's always the risk of sliding off the mattress and thumping your skull on the pile of jogging shoes under the bed.

Obvious solution? SEX IN SPACE! No gravity = no problem, right?

Thankyou, Slate for investigating.

Jogativity

2007-02-08T05:27:00.000-08:00

Our good friend Phil Stevenson writes in:

"If, while jogging, a knife is thrown in the runner's direction, does the speed of the knife remain constant?" -Phil Stevenson

YES. Einstein's theory states that nothing can move faster than knives, ever. EVER.

If you're just gonna keep asking 5t00p1d questions, go somewhere where they are expected.

Good Job, Jobs

2007-02-08T05:26:00.000-08:00

So I haven't bothered to keep up with the latest and greatest in iPods. I keep accidentally slicing through the headphone cord when I'm jogging along at a good clip.

But man can't help but hear the news. The Nordic nasties from Norway are threatening legal action against Apple because they deem the iStore to be an unfair business practice.

So Jobs responded in a shockingly personal way, and makes some good points. Why are they picking on the iStore? Microsoft had an 'open model' DRM system like the consumer vikings are asking for, but they gave up on it and switched to a hardware specific store for the Zune. If anyone over there is suing them, I'm not hearing about it.

Of course Apple would be down with not using DRM. The iPod's bread and butter is file sharing: ripping your CD library, copying the vinyl collection your uncle finally bothered to digitize, and forcing your friends to listen to your Sepultura albums from highschool. The iStore is like frosting on the workhorse. It's a middle man that brings you the Kanye West album at 4 in the morning when you're drunk and you think you need it, and if the record labels would comply, they'd let you do it no-strings-attached.

So now the legal lords of Lillehammer are saying that the iStore is unfairly locking a consumer into using an iPod, and that Jobs is copping out by blaming the record industry. My knife and I strongly disagree. Firstly, they have it backwards. If anything, buying an iPod would lock you into the iStore, not the other way around. My knife is also pretty sure they are getting iTunes and the iTunes music store confused.

But regardless, I'm sure they'll work it out. The record companies seem like reasonable people.

All joggers aspire to one thing...

2007-02-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

Recursive Post

2007-02-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

This post is recursive.

Love is.....

2007-02-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

Pepperspray and diapers.

To summarize, a lady astronaut (I'm not naming names) had a thing for another astronaut. When she found out about another lady in the picture she drove some 800-900 miles, wearing a diaper so she wouldn't have to stop, to confront her.

(If she had jogged, that wouldn't have been necessary, joggers can pee anywhere)

She then (oops I almost forgot) allegedly followed the woman to a parking lot, wearing a wig and a trenchcoat and weilding a BB gun and some pepperspray. The other woman was suspicious and hid in her car, but was tricked into lowering the window at which point she got a facefull of badness.

yowsa.
I'm not all that into crazy, but if a girl maced someone for me, I'd be smitten.

Animal Jogging

2007-02-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

As previously discussed, kittens can't jog.

I propose that in lieu of jogging, cats prance.

I know, I know, people prance too, and so do ponies, and I suppose a kitten could prance with a knife, but to jog with a knife you really have to have thumbs.

Now Koala bears have 2 thumbs, but don't get me started about that.

Imagine how many knives this would buy...

2007-02-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

Nukyular Chief Extraordinaire Dubya has revealed plans to build a half-billion dollar library at a Dallas University, much to the dismay of joggers who feel this money could be put to better use in the purchase of fresh knives. We at knifejog agree.

There are a lot of taxpayers who would rather have increased speed than restricted access to the classified stickman drawings of our fair leader.

Important Safety Information

2007-02-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

It is not a good idea to run with guns.

seriously,

Even if it's a knifegun.

These guys had the right idea...

2007-02-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

Extra points if you know them personally.

Kittens don't jog, man!

2007-02-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

I got some recent fan mail from a reader trying to connect cutlery with kittens.

"Hey man, love your blog! Being somewhat of an expert on jogging myself, I have recently noticed a pretty evident connection between kittens and knives. How could you overlook this? Other than that, keep up the good work! -Phil Stevenson"

I just have one observation for you...KITTENS DON'T JOG, FOOL.

Now, quit wasting my time.

You have convinced me that you are bad at what you do.

2007-02-06T06:38:00.000-08:00

Boston

and journalists, obvs.

The 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force ads freaked some people out' story is not very new anymore. I would consider it 'not new' enough for people, including people in the media, to have figured out what happened.

So why are people still calling it a hoax? In print? err.... in e-print?

A hoax is something that intends to get that kind of reaction or more colorfully, aims to hoodwink. An ad campaign aimed at fans of an uncomfortable 15 minute cartoon trying to get them excited about what will likely be an uncomfortable 50 minute movie, probably wasn't hoping for a $2 million urban lockdown. Therefore, not a hoax.

No one wants to be blowed up whilst jogging, granted. Your knife might end up in your eye or something. Cartoon characters seem unlikely to do that. But the ever vigilant Boston police have convinced everyone that, yes, cartoon characters are equivalent to IEDs.

Fine, I'll bite. These things were a threat and deserved the response they got. Sure, why not?

However, the cartoon bombs were there for 3 to 4 weeks. So if you are to be believed, Boston Police, we could have had our knife jogs interrupted by shrapnel any day in the last month or so, and you are bad at what you do.

Ancient Rome and Jogging

2007-02-06T06:37:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that my associate has failed to mention Ancient Rome in his recent discussion on jogging.

As we all know, Ancient Romans had knives, but they didn't have the number '0'. In my many minutes of research, I have also failed to find any reference to Ancient Romans jogging...marching, sure...but not jogging. It thus follows that jogging depends on a civilization having discovered the number '0'.

Had the Ancient Romans discovered '0', they would have had discovered jogging as well, and everyone would still be speaking Latin today.

Things that make you want to run with knives.

2007-02-06T06:02:00.000-08:00

It is a well known fact that people occasionally go for jogs.

Knives were probably invented around the same time as jogging.

If you are like me (us), things you see and hear make you want to run away,

and stab things.

May I (we) suggest instead, jogging with knives?

Everyone runs faster with knives.